In my previous post (this is the last one in the series, promise), I described how dysphoria made my anxiety go through the roof. Stress from the previous day (I had been at the hospital for top surgery talk) had caused my bladder to slam shut, and I was unable to void for about five hours.
Five hours might not be a lot, but considering that this happened before (during some eight hours), you understand that I panicked. The sensation of having a full bladder press against my bits subsequently made my dysphoria much worse, and so in the end I ended up self harming a lot.
When I had taken about seven calming pills, triple the dose I usually take, I phoned my uncle (who was at work) to ask which emergency room number I could call. He gave me the number of his general practitioner, which was not of a lot of use considering it was Saturday.
I spoke to someone on the emergency line shortly who told me not to take any more medication and to come see them in the city where I live. Though it wasn´t possible for me to see them (my own city is at two hours travel distance by train from there), talking to someone helped me calm down.
Crippling dysphoria notwithstanding I could finally urinate and then pretty much passed out due to the amount of medication I had taken. My uncle had left to stay with his girlfriend in a different city, which bothered me a lot when I woke up. I felt alone, and I felt as though he figured I could handle it by myself.
So while my aunt did everything in her power to get emotionally involved, and my uncle did everything to make me feel at home without getting too emotionally involved, neither approach felt right. In the end I´m not sure what I can even expect from family, and whether it´s okay to confront them with my crises.
Sometimes I get in a very narrow frame of mind and absolutely need outside help me get through peripheral vision. Whether this help should be mostly medical (in terms of transitioning) or food for therapists is unclear to me. What I do know, is I wish I had a better understanding with my family in situations like these.
Side note: I had another crisis while writing this text and took medication, so I might adapt the text later on when I feel less woozy.