Although I survived the events of 2013, and things went much better in the subsequent year, I wasn´t out of the woods yet. Starting testosterone in July 2016, after breaking several bones in anxiety attacks, things started to calm down tremendously. I felt pretty good, and suffered almost zero seasonal depression.
Mid February there were a lot of things causing me stress – quitting yet another gender-team (and looking for an alternative), the legal procedure involving my rent, as well as ongoing PMDD, urinary retention and stress incontinence. PMDD caused me to become near suicidal during the week before Shark Week.
This happened again two weeks ago, and again my uncle (the same as before) offered to take me in. He wasn´t home very often, but I could have the key to his apartment, and take a break from my own place. Considering my constant quarrel with my roommates (they barely ever clean) this was a relief.
At first this went great. I rejoiced being able to take a normal shower, one that wasn´t smelly, and doing laundry in a washing machine that doesn´t smell of mold. I had to adjust a bit when my uncle came home, considering the amount of energy he brought (ADHD most probably).
I had been more keen on being honest this time. Rather than concealing self harm I wanted to tell him about it, rather than suffering in silence I wanted to show what I was dealing with. And I did, to an extent. He witnessed an outburst and I managed to calm down rather than harm myself.
That´s progress. However, yesterday, while he was at work, I had another day of urinary retention. Not being able to piss drives me crazy and simultaneously the sensation of my bladder pressing unto the female bits makes me want to hurt myself. This ended up driving me into spiraling anxiety and self harm.
Read the last part of my post here.