Absolute Zero


For the past two months, I´ve been grinding to a halt. I didn´t recognize it as such at first. I thought I had a temporary dip in energy, wondered if perhaps I´d caught some type of bug. After the rush of being on testosterone for seven months, and experiencing some of its peaks, it now seemed as if all of this energy was collapsing into itself.

When the lack of energy (and most noticeably, complete absence of libido) furthermore brought with it an impending sense of dread and complete loss of faith in myself, I recognized where I was at. Depression. I think I can safely say that panicked about this. No, no, I don´t want to be depressed, this is all very bad.

What ensued was a struggle with myself so strong that I ended up verging on a suicide attempt. Verging, because (in contrast to the suicidal episodes I had before starting testosterone), I immediately told myself to take some kind of decisive action. So I packed my bag, in the middle of the night, and left for my uncles place.

Unfortunately I hit rock bottom a few more times when I was there. And I might not be out of the woods – yet. My memory is in a disastrous state, my thoughts messy, and the high confidence that testosterone gave me before, completely gone. However, the struggle – and the retentive urge to control – are letting up.

I feel overwhelming silence. It isn´t silence in terms of sound; it is silence in terms of clarity, a kind of consciousness that puts you in touch with the world. The kind of consciousness that I described in my post Being Gentle. Suddenly flower petals have amazing beauty. The flight of two magpies I saw today vibrated with magic.

There is no drama where I´m at at this moment. There is grief, and there is fatigue, and I simply lack the energy to be cool in any kind of way, or to be angry at anything or anyone anymore. I´ve been here before. In the dawn of depression, where dark turns into day, where everything consists of peace, where all I want is to rest.


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