Hard times often have a way of casting doubts on our purpose in life. While in the past we may have take life for granted, as a naturally occurring phenomenon nobody can escape – you may now start to wonder why you´re here. When I was younger, the violence in my childhood often made me question the point of it all.
I found some degree of comfort in God. We were not religious, and my parents let me believe anything I wanted to believe in. I read the Bible and Nietzsche, Gurdjieff and the Bhagavad Gita, looking for an overarching truth, whether atheist or theist or a mix of both. The idea that the Universe has a consciousness of its own, resonated most.
So I considered this consciousness – and the idea that we are all part of this consciousness. Also, around the age of eighteen, I believed that there were different levels of consciousness. Lower consciousness implied that you were not connected to the conscious of the universe. Therefore, you would see yourself as an individual energy.
Higher consciousness implied that you were tuned to the consciousness of the universe, and therefore, you no longer considered yourself separate, but as a small particle of this energy – an energy which is often called God. I believed that this type of transcendental growth (enlightenment) would liberate the person from ego and from pain.
Looking for this type of growth, I found that while it is incredibly difficult to achieve, it´s not impossible. During a few very rare cases, in which I felt that my life was hanging by a bare thread, I experienced a state of amazing joy that I can only call nirvana. However, these were each very short, and never came about intentionally.
Lately, I´ve again reached a conundrum where I feel that life is no longer worth living – not without a higher purpose. If this is it – constant pain due to living in the wrong body – is there a force of energy pushing me to let go of this constant focus on my body? To see myself, not as separate, but as a manifestation of divine consciousness…