Yesterday I wrote about a higher purpose, about being aware of yourself as a consciousness – and finding an escape from physical anguish therein. Spirituality used to be easy for me – in fact I seldom saw myself as a physical phenomenon, bound to end at some point. Death was another passage, and life was another experience.
Since I came out, and started seeing this body as a thing that should represent who I am, it´s been significantly more difficult for me to find solace in spirituality – or to get in touch with any higher form of Self at all. Testosterone did not help in this respect, as I found myself being more sober and down-to-earth with every passing day. This was good.
It was good because I had spent a lifetime floating above my body, residing mostly in otherworldly realms; theorizing about life after death and struggling to give meaning to the twisted childhood and adolescence I had gone through. Not quite the stuff that you would expect a healthy, happy teenager to consider. Testosterone brought me down.
The bitter reality is that something else happened in the process. Now, I have no safe haven. When the feeling of dysphoria is overwhelming, when my body feels like a straitjacket and I am suffocating – there is nowhere else to turn. Physical reality seems like the only truth, choking me with its apparent inevitability. Tunnel vision.
Truth be told I have no idea how to negotiate this situation. My usual way of handling it implies physical violence towards myself and sometimes I´m not sure how I will survive a day. I´m afraid that some day, it won´t just be injuries, concussions, broken bones and CRPS. I´m not sure what good it does to just survive myself every day.
I realize I sound very negative and that people might have a difficult time even reading it. Maybe it is too burdensome to lay all this stuff on people, those who know and love me, even those who don´t know me but follow my story. After all there is nothing much that can be done – ultimately, the decision to either stay alive (or not) is mine.