Being a Fugitive


I got an app from my next door neighbor (he lives in the same complex). I just returned from the camping a few days ago, after it turned out my tent was leaking, a wasp was building a nest in it, and my nose was being conquered by pollen season. Also, my landlord and I finally agreed on a settlement (I pay half the rent this month).

It was a nice gesture on her part and it makes me feel a bit more at ease about what´s going on. The renovation will not be done for weeks or months, possibly, since they discovered a plethora of things that are rotten, rusty or otherwise decayed. They are currently working on the other side of the house, so my side is relatively quiet.

That is, until today. The app from my neighbor said: “They will be working on your windows tomorrow, can you be home to open them“. The shitty feeling that I have had for the last month and a half immediately returned. I mean, for anyone else (who is “normal”), letting a bunch of workers in your house is no big deal. That´s just how it works.

That´s not how it works for me. “Home” is about the only safe space in the world that I have. My body does not feel comfortable and I do not have anywhere else to call “my place”. Not having a space in which I can feel safe is utterly destructive for me. I self-harm and the suicidal thoughts increase. So no thanks.

I dissociated and tried to think. I apped back “I won´t be home tomorrow. Will leave contact information on the window“. Then I lapsed into another panic attack. This was about the tenth time that I feel like fleeing the scene because other people were simply introducing themselves to it. What if fleeing doesn´t help anymore?

It´s really difficult to explain this to “normal” people. They just don´t understand how this could be damaging for anyone. So now I´m not sure what to do. I don´t want to flee anymore, but I´m also not complying with their wish to invade my space while I´m here. I will have to ask a trusted friend if they want to guard the place for me.

To be continued, I guess.


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