Being (Un)happy


I had not gone running in ages, due to my depression and due to the dysphoria. When I run, things shake (even when thoroughly packed in all kinds of wrap) and it takes a lot of willpower for me to ignore it. So usually I don´t run. However when on Saturday I went for a walk, I felt an urge to bust through the stagnation.

So the next day, all the time while hyperventilating and trying not to self-harm, I put on my running shoes and went. As usual when I go anywhere, I avoided the traffic and chose streets with lots of trees and shadows. It makes me feel better. Breathing in exhaust fumes isn´t my idea of a healthy workout.

I ran through streets bursting with bird song and spotted a sprinkler system with a reach too big for the tiny garden it was in. I ran towards it and waited for it to come my way. Big drops rained down on my head and my shirt. They brought back memories of running through my grandma´s garden as a kid.

They also brought back memories of enjoying sensations on my skin, the way I felt before extreme dysphoria. I imagined how wonderful it must be to have top surgery and run around in the rain. For a short moment I remembered that being alive can be great. Which is a feeling I haven´t had in a long time.

All this being unhappy is wearing me out. Though this year marks my thirtieth birthday, sometimes I feel as though I am aging much faster than time suggests. For example, last year feels like three years ago. It´s hard to fathom that back then, I wasn´t on testosterone yet. Time brought changes and a bunch of wrinkles.

I am hoping that I will slowly crawl out of the stagnation of mid-transition. I can´t wait to approach surgery and know that my body and my life will finally be changed for good. I have big plans for the future – when all this over, I want to go to wonderful places, where nature reigns wild, and enjoy the cr*p out of life.


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