Last week was awful. In my last post, I described what was up with my top surgery plans, and how suddenly I wasn´t sure that they would operate me at all. It caused me to once more feel suicidal and I´ve had a rough time soldiering myself through it. I wasn´t able to cope with the chesticles and self-harmed a lot.
I must have called the surgeon´s secretary about six times to urge them to discuss with my therapist. On Wednesday, however, the plastic surgery department was moving, Thursday was a national holiday, and on Friday they simply took the day off due to the crossover to the week-end. I felt terrible.
The entire week it was incredibly warm. We had a heat wave here in the south, and while the temperatures didn´t rise above 32 C (89.6 F), it was suffocating. We often get that here – when it´s this warm, there are always thunderstorms brewing. You can feel it in your lungs, and in your head, since it makes you want to sleep.
Not sure, but I think I had PMDD too, as I felt out of control and thus tried to control my body with military hardheartedness (thank you thesaurus for this great word). I´m pretty sure I damaged my chest a lot, on top of the self-harm, by taking all kinds of measures to immobilize it completely.
In short, a week from hell. Lots of pain from self harming, topped off by irritable bowel syndrome and hurting hernias (I´ve got about three small hernias around the navel, not severe enough to operate on). Yesterday I went for a run to try and ease the tension off, I slept a lot, I watched movies.
This morning I got a call from the surgery office. She said that they´d talked with my therapist and cleared up a misunderstanding about the recommendation letter she wrote for me. Since her diagnosis was not sufficient by itself, I will be referred to see the hospitals´ own psychiatrist. He is also the one who authorized my friends to have top surgery.