In the past three days, I´ve been barely able to eat. I ate like a cracker and two cookies. For me, that´s not a very healthy place to be in – my BMI is on the thin side as is. But I haven´t had any time to breathe. My body and the construction work (still) going on around the house feel suffocating and I want to escape.
I tried camping, but after that thing with the wasp queen settling in my tent, and clouds of pollen conquering my airways, there is no choice but to somehow survive in here, at home, where the steel scaffolding obstructs my window and gives it the feel of a prison cell. And then, there´s my inclination to obsess and control.
The top dysphoria takes up too much place in my life. It really does. Expensive rolls of KT tape and Rock Tape are gone within weeks. Binders don´t really help anymore. There is no getting rid of the fatty tissue and it enrages me. I´ve used rope to restrict my chest and have in the process restricted my breathing and bruised my ribs.
I´ve screamed and raged and cried and battled my body. Why are you in my way. Why. Please just set me free. I´m so tired. I´ve taken benzodiazepine pill after benzodiazepine pill. And yet I still feel trapped. I try breathing. Breathe in, calmly…. and then release, slowly. Don´t hurry. Release the blinding resentment. Let it go.
Sometimes, it works. I feel calmer, for a little bit. Then, after I go to sleep and wake up, the entire dramatic soap opera repeats itself. It even repeats itself when I´m writing. Even when I use the only method I have, the one that enables me to express myself, my body interferes, distracts, drives me to the brink of madness.
I have no idea how long this will go on. I´m so tired. There is no way I can love my body the way it is, now. Tolerate it, perhaps. My body and me, we torment each other, we punish each other. We cannot exist without one another, and yet we hate each other. Existence at this moment is pure survival.