It´s been four months since I approached doctor Van Loenen for top surgery. I sent her a lengthy letter describing my confrontations with each gender therapist I went to, and informing her about my run with my own therapist. Plans to get a hysterectomy during the same operation failed (see my post from May 17).
As you might know by now (it´s all I ever talk about) I had an extensive check-up of my medical background at the hospital, and another one for hysto, which I will continue to fight for at a later time. Sadly, the surgeon´s office called me to inform me Van Loenen did not think the recommendation from my therapist was enough.
Following her statement I experienced a week of nervous meltdown, suicidal thoughts and self harm. I had no idea what to do next, but my Facebook friends, who are wise and hardened by transition, encouraged me to contact the hospital psychiatrist. My appointment with him is next week, and I´ll have one more chat with the surgeon.
So… all things considered… I´m feeling extremely agitated. My head is just repeating prayers in a loop. Please please get me on that unholy and desperately needed surgery list. /screaming/. Once I am on that list, dealing with my chest will, I think, become just a little bit easier. Because I will know for sure that the things will be gone.
I feel as though my transition, up to this point, has been extremely slow – there have been confrontations, misunderstandings, and frustration a plenty. Sometimes I wonder if, on some level, I am unconsciously sabotaging myself. By being afraid that things will somehow go wrong, again. I don´t want that to happen this time.
I´m not going to think anything negative at all. I´m going to hang on to every shred of hope that I can scrape together, I am going to get this freaking surgery by spring 2018 and I´m going to be successful with the gender therapist I have now. No more fear of things turning out awful. Wish me luck…!