Mission: Impossible

impossible

I have never watched this movie. Not sure if that´s a horrible thing and I should be somehow admonished for it. Feel free to tell me to watch it, if it´s absolutely essential to my western cultural development. But I do really identify with the symbolism of Cruise hanging either from a tower or almost falling from a plane.

I´m aware that I often describe my transition in dark, downhearted and sometimes despondent terms. Mostly, this is due to the fact that I am honestly not sure if I will survive it at all. I´ve been suicidal so many times since I came out that I lost count and often have to fight impulses to seek or inflict harm upon myself.

Friends and family telling me that “it will all get better soon” often means nothing to me, even though I appreciate them trying to talk me through it. When you are reliving abusive circumstances (in this case, my parents controlling my fate and ridiculing my efforts to survive), “soon” becomes a vague abstraction, a mere illusion.

For me, all that exists is this moment. It´s been impossible to step out of my mental frame, I just can´t do it. It feels as though I would be trying to fool myself, instead of being there for myself in the most difficult moments of my life. I don´t want  to escape to an imaginary future. I will experience this, no matter how awful it is.

In the past I often had an extreme feeling of abandonment. I once told my dad that I was suicidal, long ago when I was a child. He laughed in my face. It´s been hard for me to take my own turmoil seriously since, but I am decided that I will stick with myself through shitty times to the bitter end. I am not abandoning myself like they did.

Perhaps in the middle of all this negativity, suicidal thoughts, and fears, there might be a positive note. Not in a “don´t worry, everything will be all-right” kind of way, but more in a Lieutenant Dan Taylor kind of way, when he sits atop the shrimping boat in Forrest Gump, in the middle of lightning and storm, screaming: “this all you got!!?

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