Due to the ways in which transition is arranged, namely the forced sessions with a psychiatrist, I often feel a sense of guilt that I don´t need to feel. Namely, that all of this is my doing: if I had not been transgender (or decided not to transition), I would not have to do force myself to undergo therapy that I do not want or need. Hence, it´s on me.
Although I don´t want to be conforming to forcible therapy at all, I often wonder what I can and cannot say – as anything I say could possible be used against me and/or raise suspicions that “I might not be trans after all” because I went through dramatic childhood circumstances. The past, it seems, is always used as a means not to trust me.
The argument that this scrutiny is good really does not echo with me, not just because the chances that I am a trans man due to my childhood extremely improbable (with just one instance that I have heard of). Most of all, I find it unethical that any psychiatrist would see themselves fit to judge if I should have autonomy over my own body.
I find it reprehensible morally because in attempts to insure that I am really a man (even though my official documentation says I am a man), gender therapists and psychiatrists recreate a situation in which again the autonomy over my own body is leveled over to somebody outside of me. Just like when I faced abuse at the hands of “caregivers”.
True, I am not getting the shit beaten out of me, but the situation makes me feel the same degree of humiliation as my parents had me undergo as a child. The argument that any shrink is more suitable than me to make these decisions, makes me feel physically sick. The only reason they could ever argue so, is solely due to insurance and legal reasons.
I have been fighting to get my autonomy back from people who somehow feel entitled to make decisions for me, for an incredibly long and exhausting time. The idea that someone else than me decides about my life, and that my destiny is not mine to own, is enough to induce suicidal rage, and yet this is not taken into account at any time.