Connoisseurs will know when they see it. Dirt dance floors, mandalas, fractals and hippies. Lots and lots of hippies. Sweat, sun, rain and, in many cases, drugs. These parties were once a big part of my life. They were a way for me to escape. At these parties, I could see myself as a part of something: as a particle of a breathing organism.
The people I went with went for the same reason. To escape the constrictions of a nine to five life, and go crazy. We went to many different festivals in many different places, and yet, at each one we would find the same world and the same audience. This space allowed us to search for the difference we wanted to find in our lives.
I last went to one of these parties weeks before I came out. The experience bummed me out. I discovered that the flip side of magic is illusion, and I felt as though many people there were living a lie, temporary or not so temporary. I wanted out. Thinking about it now, I think I was done looking for escape. I had already escaped my own illusion.
I turned inwards and to myself to look for the answers, and I did not go to any of these parties for a long time. When I started testosterone, I became way more level-headed. Talk of spiritual enlightenment, and somewhat extraterrestrial voyages amused me a bit. And yet, I made many friends there, and had many really, really good times.
I´m returning to that world. This month, I will camp at a week at a festival, with friends, and re-discover what the world of psychedelic trance means to me. The thought is strange and exciting at the same time – I hope that I will fit in, that I can ground myself amid a world of strangers looking to find themselves in this common dream.
With any luck, I can find out what parts of my old self resonate with my new self. See whether some of it still fits, or whether I can give new meaning to it. If anything, I will see lots of art, and lots of really spaced out people. If anything, it will give me a chance to let go of my dysphoria and enjoy the moment. We´ll see.