Running & Scissors


It´s been a while since I last wrote. I feel like quite a lot of things have happened. For one, I cut myself with a pair of scissors during last bout of PMDD. It went more than halfway through – brace yourself – the palm of my hand. I was already dizzy with anxiety, the sudden gash in my skin made me dissociate some more.

While outside the festivities of the four day marches buzzed, I held onto my bike with one hand, crying, and pedaled to the GP´s offices. I had a tetanus shot and was prescribed an antibiotics treatment. It was one of those days that I was really grateful for modern medicine. What would´ve happened if I had gotten an infection?

Five days have passed and the wound has mostly closed. The palm of my hand feels rigid and still painful, it has been a bit difficult to clean up around me, make food. My mind is still a mess. Way too much anxiety, mostly top dysphoria, some hormonal. My day-night cycle is completely messed up. Yesterday night, I went running.

I did not think I could run so fast. I ran faster than I´ve ever done. I held on to the anger that had injured my hand and released it, with vengeance, on the asphalt. After one block I was out of breath, nauseous and ready to puke. Yet on I went again. I ran for about an hour. In the morning, I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt sick. My stomach feels messed up. I decided to do nothing for yet another day – try to cope and nothing more. No injuring myself, no judging myself, just rest until me and my hand feel somewhat normal again. Every day that passes is one less until top surgery and one less of this strange mess.


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