Chaos in Transland

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Well, the last couple of weeks have been… interesting. After my accident with the scissors in July, I felt pretty much messed up beyond all recognition and very much in need of something strong to forget all about this mess. My experience with marijuana for anxiety relief had been good but at the same time, it made me complacent.

I found myself being more and more dependent on smoking it, needing each time a stronger amount in order to feel the same buzz. When I mentioned it  to my therapist, she said something about marijuana decreasing the strength of your mind, temporarily enabling you to feel less, but also sort of softening your brainpower, so to speak.

I did not like that. I quit for a while, but the anger at myself for having chesticles became so overwhelming, so bewildering and scary that I needed to do something dramatic to overcome it. I found myself being able to handle the situation by doing mindfulness practice some days but not others. Those days, it´d become destructive.

Perhaps others, in similar situation, would turn to drinking. I don´t know. I know that whenever I try to drink any type of strong alcohol, I have a gag reflex immediately – which is something recent and something I can´t quite explain. Yet, there still was something else I could try – microdosing.

I´d read that ingesting minute amounts of psychedelics (like magic mushrooms) over a longer period of time can help some people with depression. In the past, the experience I have had is that psychedelics show me my flaws, most often giving me a message to be more kind towards myself. So I thought, why not try and see what happens.

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