It´d be difficult to describe my state of mind in a polite way. The inoffensive version would be to state that I´m wrapped on tighter than the lid on a vacuum sealed jar. The other way of stating it (more offensive, but also more fun) would be to state than I´m wound so tight you couldn´t remove a needle from my ass with pliers.
This condition – which reveals itself in general nervousness, sleeplessness trembling hands, stiff knees and a locked jaw – exacerbates the emotional tendency to control everything and get angry at absolutely everything I dislike. Which is a lot. If I were to make a list, I´d have to sit here and write until the morning.
Physical dysphoria has really been getting the best of me. Just removing the tape from my chest now requires calming medication, and I´m currently involved in a fruitless fight with my misplaced genitals. My whole body is covered in hair, I´m all bones and muscle, and I´m having top surgery in two months.
And yet it´s been a challenge to focus on these positive points. Instead, I waste my time zeroing in on my feeling of emasculation. I´m having to remind myself that diving into my own misery won´t help much in regaining some of that much-needed feeling of virility and confidence. I´m having to “unscrew” myself.
Rather than wallowing in everything that I can´t do, I find that cliché male activities, such as doing push-ups while listening to military cadences, and even tired sayings, such as “man up” are actually helping me get a grip on the way I handle my emotions. They may not be politically correct, but they are pretty helpful.
Sometimes – specially when I´m stuck at a particular unhelpful state of mind – all I need is to give myself a bit of a “shove” and remind myself that life is pretty cool, as long as I´m able to stand wide and hold my head up high. Cliché masculine behavior, compensatory or not, is helping me get over myself and move on.