I like… Girls?

worm

I came out in 2015 (holy cow… how time flies). My gender had changed, at least for the world – I started living the way I had always longed to. People started calling me by my true name, and I acquired a passport that confirmed its legal status. Because of this, I felt more comfortable. But really not a lot else changed.

The funny thing is, back when I announced my coming out, a lot of people asked me if this meant that I was into women. This amused me (and annoyed me) to no end. Why would I suddenly be into women now that I identified as a man? The way my brain worked had not suddenly turned around. It was still be same – only now I had more freedom.

When people asked me, I would reply that I was gay. Which I genuinely was, at the time, I guess. But testosterone changed a lot for me. I started to suddenly notice the most subtle things about women´s bodies – the way they walked, gestured – and caught myself gazing in their direction a bit longer than I had done earlier.

For a while, I found myself roaming around in the realm of bi-curiosity, then shifted towards thinking I was bisexual. While I had never had an intimate encounter of any kind with women, there were times (in my adolescence) where I was attracted to certain girls. Most of them however were straight and so I just gave it up.

Even though I continued to be hit on by women from time to time, I ignored their moves and continued to date men. The relationships were always awkward and uncomfortable, specially in bed. I couldn´t get over how weird it felt, to be hit on by men. They tried to sway me, impress me with their moves.

It did not faze me much. In the last five months, my interest in men has wavered – crumbled – and overshadowed by the fascination that women incite in me. There is one caveat. Even though I tried to live as a woman for many, many years… I still do not understand them. Given that I have zero experience, I will have to start from scratch.

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The Paradox

paradox

In a paradox, you basically have a situation in which two or more things can be true yet contradict each other. I´ve read that paradoxes hold great power and that we, as humans, have an innate urge to run towards them. This is certainly true for me, as I have often been actively involved in scenarios where two realities seemed to collide onto each other.

I think gender transition exemplifies that life in itself is a huge paradox. Yes, I used to be the blonde chick in the picture. At the same time, I was never her. We often expect others to be a conglomerate of personality traits with a name tag on it, and yet we all know that this is far from the truth. We all change, and sometimes life changes within one second.

We all have one or multiple recurring paradoxes. For me, the most recurring one (aside from my gender identity) has been about love and being close to people, yet staying true to who I truly am. And although this isn´t a universal paradox, it is for me specifically. As I wrote earlier, I have a tendency, and a desire, to get lost in others.

Losing yourself in others is a bit like jumping from a plane. If you´ve ever gone skydiving, you probably know that agonizing split second in which you have to decide whether to jump or not. Jumping gives me a lot of kicks, but at the same time it means letting go of my own strengths. Fear of this has led to a rather solitary existence for me.

The solitude reinforces the feeling of wanting to get lost in someone, and the cycle continues. Weirdly though, I am always drawn to characters that will have none of it. They don´t want to share my personality and they don´t want me piggy-backing on theirs. They´d much rather I exist alongside them, in my own right, in my own strength.

The end result is that I always create a situation in which I end up alone – unlesss I confront myself and dare to embrace the power of my own presence. Which to be honest, I find intimidating. The lesson here is that contradictory realities, which are true at the same time, do hold great power for me – as long as I am willing to take that plunge.

On Polyamory

polyamory

If I flew back in time right now and told my younger self that I would eventually declare myself gender nonconforming, polysexual* and polyamorous, I´d probably be met with an awkward stare or uncontrollable laughter. The idea of sharing your partner with someone else – or even with multiple people – would´ve made me uncomfortable.

I figured polyamory would be complicated, and feelings of jealousy would be the order of the day. Most of all, I wondered how that would work in terms of sharing equally – to make all partners feel equally appreciated in terms of the dedication they received. I worried that I would disappear or feel cheated by the partner(s) in question.

The thing is, this could be an issue in monogamous relationships, too. In fact, it almost always was. Years of having semi – serious relationships with several people, who in retrospect weren´t really worth the time, taught me that in order for me to function in a relationship, I need to be essential in their life – I need them to need me too.

I don´t want to be something on the side. I have no interest in being someone´s really interesting hobby. You would not believe the amount of people who thought that my life – including its many unconventional adventures and unbelievable heartaches – was a good reason to date me for a few weeks, and then dump me after mistaking curiosity for love.

Those people were just as inexperienced as me, and I´m sure they meant no harm. At the same time, their confusion has caused me regret a couple of times too many. Yes, my life has been strange and exciting and wonderful – and very unlike what many people have experienced. But if they want an exciting life, they need to go out and get their own.

In the end, being a true part of someone´s life has little to do with the amount of people you love or are involved with. If anything, multiple lovers can possibly deepen the relationship you have with each other. In my case, I think polyamory could add several dimensions to my life as well as some balance between independence and love.

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*Attraction to multiple genders.

Confusing Feels

thefool

I remember having a crush on R. He´d circulated an email among the members of the aeroclub, asking if somebody had some furniture to spare. Back then, some three years ago, I was on the verge of moving from an ample apartment to a shared flat, and needed to get rid of some excess household appliances, like a small fridge and a washing machine.

He came by the house. We had this immediate, quite deep connection, and neither of us knew where it was coming from. Long story short, a few texts were exchanged, we watched a movie, and I spent the night. I think we both felt the kind of intense, desperate passion that you get when you find someone who feels like a soul mate after a being alone for long.

It didn´t last, though. It was the kind of fling that is very intense yet short-lived. Nevertheless, I miss that feeling. I´m inclined to be a hopeless romantic, to sort of want to surrender my very soul, lose myself in someone else. Maybe it´s typical of rational types like me, to secretly ache for some kind of emotional catharsis. Two extremes combined.

Lately I´ve been wondering whether that feeling means that I am just running from myself. Or whether these feelings are not fit for something serious and stable, relationships in which romance isn´t limited to the egocentric chase of sweet release. In a real relationship, you probably need patience. And understanding for the other person.

This is what I´ve been telling myself over and over again for the past week. Because the feels are intense. And I´m just not sure if they are really related to my friend, or an expression of my need to get a breather from the constant confrontation with myself. This year has been nothing but personal challenges – from depression to transition.

Whatever these feels are, it would behoove me to stay true to myself. But how? Do I chase my feels like a madman? Walk around with my head in the clouds all day long and feel lost at the end of the day? Or try to tolerate them, and continue in my own direction? All  in all, this is starting to feel very complicated all over again. Maybe a little too much.

Feels All Over

gay

This has been such a crazy year. It seemed to all have happened at once, honestly. Surprise! You´re a dude, you don´t believe in monogamy after all, you are not straight and not gay either. And to top it off, you have no clue in romance or even in platonic relationships. Like a nice piece of demisexy cake with sprinkles of awkwardness all over.

When I came out in October of 2015, the experiences I had were pretty much limited to straight men. Sure, there was a short fling with somebody who considered themselves bisexual (but who never actually had a gay experience), and this guy from Alaska, who is pretty kinky and exploring/expanding their own sexuality through the use of WhatsApp.

These people are great. If it hadn´t been for them, I wouldn´t have learned anything beyond the sexuality between straight men and women (yawn)*. Regardless of these experiences, I still have no idea how to navigate romance despite (or maybe by virtue of) my transition, resulting asexuality, and other things I would like to explore.

Yesterday I got a little taste of how awkward this situation could possibly be. A friend came over, he is someone I met on a dating site a couple of years ago – when I still identified as female and straight. He was polyamorous, which meant that he already had a relationship with someone else, but I was still okay with meeting him, he seemed cool.

Despite his cheerful demeanor, and the mutual understanding we seemed to have, the polyamory thing was quite outside of my comfort zone, and so we just let it go and stayed in touch as friends. As time passed and I changed from one end of the gender spectrum to the other, my outlook on this changed. We went for drinks, and I brought it up.

So how would you feel about a platonic relationship on the side?” I said, “taking into account the relationships you already have“. I was asking in part because I wanted some intel on the view of polygamous people on this issue, and in part because I was honestly interested whether he would consider upgrading our friendship to a more intense level than it is now.

Intimacy is important to him, he said. At the same time, he hadn´t considered that being intimate in a less-than-sexual way could actually qualify as a type of relationship. Most people, he said, would probably not think of it as an intermediate category. Time passed. At 02:00 AM,  I finally let go of my reservation and zeroed in for a hug.

* I´m just kidding you guys, straight relationships can be fun.