I came out in 2015 (holy cow… how time flies). My gender had changed, at least for the world – I started living the way I had always longed to. People started calling me by my true name, and I acquired a passport that confirmed its legal status. Because of this, I felt more comfortable. But really not a lot else changed.
The funny thing is, back when I announced my coming out, a lot of people asked me if this meant that I was into women. This amused me (and annoyed me) to no end. Why would I suddenly be into women now that I identified as a man? The way my brain worked had not suddenly turned around. It was still be same – only now I had more freedom.
When people asked me, I would reply that I was gay. Which I genuinely was, at the time, I guess. But testosterone changed a lot for me. I started to suddenly notice the most subtle things about women´s bodies – the way they walked, gestured – and caught myself gazing in their direction a bit longer than I had done earlier.
For a while, I found myself roaming around in the realm of bi-curiosity, then shifted towards thinking I was bisexual. While I had never had an intimate encounter of any kind with women, there were times (in my adolescence) where I was attracted to certain girls. Most of them however were straight and so I just gave it up.
Even though I continued to be hit on by women from time to time, I ignored their moves and continued to date men. The relationships were always awkward and uncomfortable, specially in bed. I couldn´t get over how weird it felt, to be hit on by men. They tried to sway me, impress me with their moves.
It did not faze me much. In the last five months, my interest in men has wavered – crumbled – and overshadowed by the fascination that women incite in me. There is one caveat. Even though I tried to live as a woman for many, many years… I still do not understand them. Given that I have zero experience, I will have to start from scratch.