Finding Purpose

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Hard times often have a way of casting doubts on our purpose in life. While in the past we may have take life for granted, as a naturally occurring phenomenon nobody can escape – you may now start to wonder why you´re here. When I was younger, the violence in my childhood often made me question the point of it all.

I found some degree of comfort in God. We were not religious, and my parents let me believe anything I wanted to believe in. I read the Bible and Nietzsche, Gurdjieff and the Bhagavad Gita, looking for an overarching truth, whether atheist or theist or a mix of both. The idea that the Universe has a consciousness of its own, resonated most.

So I considered this consciousness – and the idea that we are all part of this consciousness. Also, around the age of eighteen, I believed that there were different levels of consciousness. Lower consciousness implied that you were not connected to the conscious of the universe. Therefore, you would see yourself as an individual energy.

Higher consciousness implied that you were tuned to the consciousness of the universe, and therefore, you no longer considered yourself separate, but as a small particle of this energy – an energy which is often called God. I believed that this type of transcendental growth (enlightenment) would liberate the person from ego and from pain.

Looking for this type of growth, I found that while it is incredibly difficult to achieve, it´s not impossible. During a few very rare cases, in which I felt that my life was hanging by a bare thread, I experienced a state of amazing joy that I can only call nirvana. However, these were each very short, and never came about intentionally.

Lately, I´ve again reached a conundrum where I feel that life is no longer worth living – not without a higher purpose. If this is it – constant pain due to living in the wrong body – is there a force of energy pushing me to let go of this constant focus on my body? To see myself, not as separate, but as a manifestation of divine consciousness…

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Soul Searching II: Intimacy

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“I´ve been thinking about how weird it has always been to be intimate. I´m not bad looking, in fact the people I´ve been with were all praise – and yet I felt ashamed and I would rather not have them see me like that (i.e in a female body). They´d be reeling to take a glance of me, while I was fighting the urge to duck under the cover and make the femaleness disappear. I thought of how others talked about sex and how it was the best thing in the world.

I´d heard women talking about their own bodies and being quite happy about specific feminine qualities of it that I just thought were uncomfortable. One guy asked me whether I didn´t feel glad about those things bouncing up and down my chest when I was in a hurry to catch a bus. That was the strangest question, to me, and it wasn´t until then that I confessed that I could care less if they weren´t there.

I´m wondering whether I´d be able to enjoy intimate experiences if I were a guy. I do think that if I had had male genitalia I would enjoy myself more. I basically feel like I have to choose between something that seems alien to me or having surgery and maybe not feeling anything. I feel like if I had the surgery, not feeling anything would be a problem*.

Yesterday I did have the feeling that maybe if I had been male, my relationships would have gone smoother. I´m not sure, I mean, the grass is always greener on the other side. But I feel that being biologically female, I´m much less involved with people and much more private. I´m just not sure whether – if I transitioned – I would still be true to myself and to the child I used to be.”

* Back then I was under the general impression that surgery (I had only heard about phalloplasty) would diminish the sensitivity down there. Depending on the surgery this is not necessarily true, and I find my ideas about this have changed.

Soul Searching I: OITNB

Intro

When I first started questioning myself on a conscious level, I was in my late twenties. I had always had the nagging feeling that something wasn´t right but I continuously labeled this feeling as “a symptom of my past” rather than seeing it as something that had nothing to do with any childhood experiences. I had begun to watch the second season of “Orange is the New Black” at this time.

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Vlog transcript

“Since I saw Ruby Rose on the sitcom Orange is the New Black, I thought I identified as genderfluid, because she reminded me a lot of myself. However if you´re genderfluid I imagine you kinda feel fine in a female body too. You´d be able to be okay with it if you felt more female one day and more male the next. However when I´m aware of the fact that I was born female I feel negatively, and I can´t figure out whether that´s related to my upbringing or the way my brain is wired.

I´m not sure about this genderfluid thing or about this female to male thing either, because I feel I might be rejecting a part of myself. Maybe it´s necessary that I experiment with being male so I can appreciate femaleness more, maybe this whole transition thing is just me trying to avoid who I am. I saw a kid on YouTube who had been taking testosterone for a while, he was in tears and he said that the longer he was on hormones, the more he felt alienated from who he was, which is what I´m afraid of.

I do see the kind of qualities that I would like to have – compassion and passion – in other guys around me. This last guy I met was a dreamer, things would move him deeply. I want to retain those qualities but am not sure that they are intrinsic to “me” or to “me being female”.Even if I don´t know the answer to that I am still dysphoric aboutmy body and about social situations. When I use the restrooms (female), I feel like an anthropologist trying to understand foreign culture.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what femaleness is. I found some definition relating to anahata (the heart chakra). I figured the energy would be of acceptance, of embracing – of relaxing into yourself and then expanding. But all those things aren´t necessarily female. I think I can have those things in a male body. I do have a tendency to put everything in metaphysical terms and wonder if “I was born female for a reason“. But then again maybe I´m trans so I can experience what life is like as a male.

Soul Searching: Intro

Back in August (2015), I recorded a videolog for the sake of thinking out loud, reflecting, and to have comparison material later on in the process of soul searching. Since these are all quite experimental and not exactly high quality, I plan to process these into posts rather than becoming the next trans* youtuber.

If you are still questioning your gender identity, and whether or not you can transition (or not) while still staying yourself (or if you are just curious) you can read along with me. I intend to publicate a few of the transcripts every week – or I might just publicize them all at once, if I´m feeling driven. You´ll be able to find them all under the category “Soul Searching”.

I find that many times trans* identified people (and possibly anyone who does not define themselves as such, but is non-binary) run into similar questions and issues once they start questioning theirselves and their position in society. There´s a plethora of youtube vlogs to be found, but there are only a few of them that deal exclusively with the process of questioning.

If you are reading along and you find you have questions or would like to discuss anything with me, don´t hesitate to leave your thoughs in the comment section.