I haven´t been writing much recently. This is because most of all, I want to pretend that these months aren´t really happening. Ideally, these months will fade into next year, and by then I will have surgery, which is my Top Destination at the moment. In a way it´s exactly the same as when I was waiting to get testosterone.
Also, I don´t particularly want to focus on my own anxiety, or on anything negative or bothersome at all, for that matter. My last breakdown has been three weeks or more. I was freaking out over top dysphoria, and scared that I would hurt myself again, I went to the ER. After the appointment, I sat outside in the cold (it was night).
A woman from the emergency staff came outside and smoked a cigarette with me. She asked why I was sitting there, so I told her I was cooling off after an anxiety attack, and we had a talk. She´d also had anxiety attacks, she told me, and done EMDR. It had helped her a lot and she suggested that I try it (which I have, actually).
People have been great and I don´t really have that much to complain about. So I´m decided on being as patient as possible with myself, until the day comes for that general anesthesia. I´ve been keeping busy fixing stuff, small things like a desk lamp and the desk drawers, to making a table from scratch.
I´ve been hiking, running, getting together with friends, and staying out of stressful situations. So far, I´m three months in and four to go, and seeing that countdown getting smaller is rather satisfying. To anyone else waiting, I´d say: try making the best of what you´ve got, and stay cool. Time´ll pass quicker that way.