Although the lack of “divine” signals on Sunday had left me disappointed, things only began to make sense after I had talked to her (The Longest Week). Today in church, as we were sitting in the front row, the pastor said something that struck me like a bolt of electricity. I was wide awake (in church!)
He had talked about grandmother. The things he said were the very things I wrote about on Sunday (Show Me True Love and “Good Enough”). How she had always made herself so small, and had aggrandized everybody around her, but diminished herself and her emotions in the process. This had been difficult for those around her.
But in the last few weeks of her failing life, he said, she had told him about the emotions that had come to the fore. He told us how she had struggled with these emotions, how they conflicted with all her old beliefs and behavioral patterns. She´d wondered whether she was dying or being reborn again.
He said what I had experienced too, a little bit, the last times I saw her and wrote to her. She had become increasingly translucent, and so while her history started to fade, there was room for her real Self to be present. What he said next is what surprised me the most. He said: by becoming yourself, you discover God again.
I have never been a very big fan of the church. Although we had prayed at the dinner table and read the Bible, my grandmother herself questioned her upbringing; and by the time she fell ill, I think she had been more on the atheist than on the theist spectrum. And yet, by discovering herself, she discovered Him/It/Her.
This is how I (finally) understood that faith is not about which God you worship or how you prefer to call it. It´s about discovering that you are more, much more, than you probably allow yourself to be. We are conditioned, in a way, to act normal – and keep ourselves small… but forget ourselves in the process.
You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me.
Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become.