I don´t see my birth parents very often. My dad I saw some five years ago, my mother I saw this year during grandmother´s funeral. I hadn´t seen her for about seven years, and I had pretty much dodged her every time she was in the country. I did not want to trigger any traumatic emotions, more so during transition.
The way I look at it, transition should occur in a safe, more or less stable environment. So many things (can) change during this time, including your world-view, your emotions, your perception of yourself and those around you. Since I started testosterone I have become a whole different person – more myself than I ever was.
Being male in society has taught me a whole new way of living. I´ve become more decisive than I ever was, and less hesitant. I am more patient in some regards, and much less patient in other regards. I used to feel guilty about drawing lines around me and my personal space. Now, I see this as a much needed and healthy behavior.
My mother did not like so much, that I kept myself from her. She wanted to know how I was doing. Whenever I told her about my anxiety and traumatic emotions that I inherited from her abuse*, she´d say that she wants to know me, not the past. In short, she wants to know “me” but without our common traumatic past.
Naturally, I did not agree to this. There is no way that I can pretend to be some happy, lucky fellow, and me and her have some great mother-son thing going on. I don´t think either of us deserves some puppet show. So I avoided her until grandmother died. Then, I started thinking about Death.
What if Death decided to come early and take her away, too? What would happen if she died – would I left behind with a bunch of grief and guilt? No way I was going to deal with that. So I decided to write her a letter before we met up in person, and send it to her. Read more about my letter in part II.
* physical violence towards me as a child.